Why India Can't Possibly Be Real

Indian Tardis

India- its like a dream. Everything is kind of the same, but then something happens that makes you realize that you're in the matrix. -Alan (Volunteer from Patiala)

1. Glitches in the Matrix 

There are many, many opportunities for double takes here in India, and it's times like these when you question the reality of the world you live in. Seeing a horse (with sleigh bells, nonetheless) -drawn cart carrying an old sadhu looking figure and a bale of hay down a highway is one of those moments. Another is when a random shopper in the market realizes that there's no one at the register to sell you toothpaste, jumps behind the counter and gives you change from his own pocket (true story, folks).

Then, off course, there are those moments when you realize the sign you're reading isn't quite right. I went to get on a rickshaw the other day, and the driver had reupholstered the seat with an advertisement for Connect Phone services. The advertisement shows a smiling woman, with the slogan "The Better Way to Connect: STD" (a type of Indian phone booth) in large letters. Not a seat I was very eager to sit on.

2. Public Displays of Affection

Yes, they exist here, but not as you think. You're really not going to find a man and a woman holding hands, hugging, or kissing in public very often in India, even if they're husband and wife. What is common, however, is intragender pda. That's right, heterosexual men (and women) holding hands, hugging, holding each other by the waist, leaning on each other's shoulders as a sign of affection and friendship. I had to take this photo because I find that no matter who I tell about this, they don't really believe it.  Well, there you go. 

3. Why my Vodafone is Going to be the Death of Me

A drop of blood? Is that a threat?

Shortly after I arrived here, Pratima lent me an Indian cell phone, and now I'm successfully on the grid. However, my vodafone is quite a bit different than anything I've had before, and the two of us have a tentative relationship. When I first received it, I had no idea how to turn off the massive amount of text messages I was receiving- cricket scores, Bhagavad Gita trivia questions, astrology, etc. Once that was sorted, I started getting these calls, often right after class, in which a woman yelled at me in Hindi. It was quite abrasive and a little scary, and there was no response to my "sorry, sorry," before I hung up.

It took me until the middle of the second day to realize that these calls were a recording. 

I was skyping with Daniel the other day, and my phone went off. I promptly ignored it, a bit afraid of the scary Hindi yelling recording. Daniel's reaction? "Is that a sitar playing the nokia tune?"   

Maybe it's just because I'm in India that everything seems Indian.

4. Musical Horns

One of the first things you have to get used to in India is the traffic (even if you're not driving), and this includes the way that drivers communicate with each other. First of all, the turning light here apparently means "you should go that way" rather than "I'm turning that way." Drivers use it to tell other cars to get over, something that's hard to believe until you see. 

Then there are the horns. I've ridden in some cars/rickshaws where it's a wonder when they actually take their hands off the horn. Most of them honk without any real reason, and the pattern of honking is a bit individualized. From what I've gathered, the horn most often means, "Look out, I'm drivin' here:" really nothing more than a greeting to the other cars, almost like dogs sniffing each other. 

"The more you honk the safer you are," jokes Leon. "Sometimes, when I'm in my car, I'll honk to music." 

5. Critters

There's nothing like seeing a monkey, parrot, tiny black squirrel, or minuscule hummingbird to remind you that you're not in Kansas anymore.  So far, the only monkeys I've seen have been through the protective glass of a car or bus, an experience which is only slightly more satisfying than Disney's Animal Kingdom Safari. The kids obviously sense my excitement about the local fauna, because they run to me and point when they see something interesting, like a parrot.

It's the ones that you're already used to that really mess with your head, like the stray dogs and feral cats. Every so often, I'll be walking down the street, almost trip over a slumbering dog, and only then realize, "hey, there's a dog here. There shouldn't be a dog here." You've really got to readjust your thinking to get used to the strays. No, don't feed them. No, don't pet them. Take a wide berth. Yes, they're cute, but they're not pets anymore. Just think of them like that crazy homeless veteran you saw downtown; you can want to help, but don't touch because he bites.

Oop, there's a cow. A herd of goats, sheep. It's very odd the stuff that becomes normal when you're living in India. It really is all like one massive dream, where the absurdity of the elements are overcome by a sense of bizarre logic.

Hauman Mania!!!

6. Here is the Church, Here is the Steeple...

As a westerner in India, I'm much more aware of those National Geographic-type photo ops. A perfect picturesque mandir (Hindu temple) rises above some simple flats, and I'm floored. Wow, this is the stuff from the movies! A short time later, it gets a bit odd when I haven't seen a gorgeous mandir in a while (what's wrong with this part of town?).  I've been saying this for some time now, but I just can't stress enough how prominent the divine is here. You simply can't go anywhere without seeing something religious, something sacred, looking back at you.

For Indians, I'm sure it's just a background theme of mundane life. Yes, I'm surrounded by divine imagery. Okay, there's a massive Hanuman (monkey lord) right behind me, so what? I watch a storekeeper makes a little prayer and ritual gesture when he turns on his lights. What was that? Nothing, nothing. Just turning on the lights.




7. Where Can I Get Some Q-Tips Around Here? 

34 Market

Shopping is actually quite a skill, and requires quite a bit of know-how. While it's relatively easy to find a market, it's much more difficult to find what you need in a new place. Stores are arranged in rows, something like a strip-mall meets a boardwalk, and each store is roughly 1/3 the size of my current bedroom. What's more, stores are arranged into these markets, which generally carry only one type of item. There's a market for groceries, a market for dairy, one for meat, one for auto parts, another for banks. It's the classic end of the universe Starbucks across from a Starbucks scenario, where it seems like no one can be making any money. But it somehow works. You tell one store clerk what you need, he'll point you to another store. The end result is something like an open-air department store; the key is to find out which market you need in the first place.



8. Money Can't Buy Me Love

Even though most Indians who are selling me goods and services don't think so, I'm actually quite getting used to the money system here. Before I realized it, I was haggling left and right over 10 or 20 cents, and angrily storming off when someone charged me an extra quarter. The key is not to convert it; don't think about how much you're spending in US dollars, because it will almost always seem incredibly cheap and you'll be ripped off. The 500 rupee bill ($10) is so useless in day to day life that it might as well be a $50 bill.

Okay, so it looks like I'm being a tightwad. But it's not about keeping the extra dimes and quarters, it's about the fun of haggling and earning the right to say that I'm not just living in India, I'm living in India.  It's a constant test of character and ability and quite a fun challenge. You can't give them what they ask for at first, a) because it's outrageous and a bit rude and b) because they'll leave the table upset, a haggling opportunity lost, wondering if they could have gotten more.

I'll get prices like 80 rupees for something that costs 25, and it's up to me to show whether or not I'm just a vapid American target.

Nay, nay, nay 80? I laugh and start to walk away.

Okey, 40.

Nay. 25.

25?

Yes.

Nay, 30.

Sigh. Okay.

9. One Thing That I May Never Get Used To

Seeing a Sikh man, a great lion, without his turban.

This is something that actually revealed to me how acculturated I've become thus far. I've grown very accustomed to seeing Sikh men sporting their excellent turbans everywhere- this is Punjab, after all- but I had never before seen one without the turban on. Traditionally Sikhs grow out their meticulously groomed hair, pinning it in in a bun at the top of the head. It wasn't until I spent a night in Patiala and saw the Colonel with his turban off that I realized how alarming it would be.

When I saw him, I literally stopped in my tracks and stumbled a bit. I felt as though I had seen my grandfather naked.

Sir?