The Funniest Thing about India

Kell:     You know what the funniest thing about India is?

Daniel: What?

Kell:      It's the little differences. I mean they got the same sh** over there that they got here, but it's just, just there it's a little different.

Daniel:  Example.

Kell:      Alright, well, you can walk onto the street and buy a meal. And, I don't mean just like a paper plate, I'm talking about dinner. And, in India, you can't buy beef in a McDonald's. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Chandigarh?

Daniel:  They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

Kell:      No, man, they got Hinduism there, they don't know what the fu** a Quarter Pounder is.

Daniel:  What do they call it?

Kell:      They call it a McAloo Tikki Burger.

Daniel:  McAloo Tikki Burger.

Kell:      That's right.

Daniel: What do they call a Big Mac?

Kell:     Murder. They call it sacrilege.

Daniel: What do they call a Whopper?

Kell:      I don't know. I didn't go into Burger King.

I think I may have broken a few copyrights there. My sincerest apologies to Quentin Tarantino, anyone associated with Pulp Fiction, and, well, anyone who just read that.

1. Beefless McDonald's

Yeah, so it happened (even though the conversation didn't). I really had no intention of visiting an American restaurant while I'm here, but I'm starting to think that someone I know has a french fry (ahem, “chips”) addiction, so I found myself standing in front of a pretty standard McD's counter, ordering the most Indian-looking thing I saw.

In a land where no one wants to eat the sacred cow, or even really sit next to someone who's doing so, it's just impossible to get a hamburger in a joint like McDonald's. Not that I particularly want one; there's something about seeing the bovines walking along the side of the road that turns off that carnivore urge. The company's solution? Going native. The menu offers quite a few veg dishes Indian style, including the McAloo Tikki Burger, a sandwich patty made of potato (aloo), greens, and seasoning (tikki), topped with copped onion, tomato, and what I can only presume is secret sauce.

Besides the food, I've got to say that it was something else to see McD's employees (who were given a dictionary entry based on the quality of their jobs: “McJob”) that don't seem so unhappy to be working there that they might snap at any moment. There's a man posted at the door, waiting to open it, to empty your tray, or wipe your table if need be. They're all very clean, self respecting, and seem somewhat content.

“It's considered something to get a job here,” Virali tells me, “because it's an international company.” 

 

I guess making paneer wraps and fries really is quite a bit better than pedaling a rickshaw or selling wares on a blanket in the streets. It reminds me of an old Chapelle Show parody of the McD's “Improving Communities” campaign. 

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